Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
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Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Those are good neighbors.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to