San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
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me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
this is the best day of my life
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My kitchen overserved me.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
it’s the silliest best thing
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs