San Francisco has too many rules
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Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I’ve been learning to cook.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.