Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
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As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,