sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
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I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.