“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
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I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Me irl
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough