Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
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Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I’ve had relationships like this
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet