Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
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Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
i actually laughed 😩
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My dress code is business-casualty.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.