Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
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I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich