Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
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On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today