My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
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“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.