Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.


The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.


[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.


Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.


What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”


I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat


One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.


From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”


*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*


H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”