@EllaZee5

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

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@Ivsy01

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

@weinerdog4life

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

@Thynebear

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

@Tbone7219

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

@MyMomologue

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

@nurse_death

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

@RealSudoNim

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

@SarahKSilverman

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

@xLiserx

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

@thrill_tweeter

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”