Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
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Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
cyclists
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be