SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
You Might Also Like
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
oh you wanna fight?!
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.