Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
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ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I saw this ending much differently.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*