*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
You Might Also Like
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.