Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
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Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside