Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
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Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
In Canada they just call them geese
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really