SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
You Might Also Like
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
this is funnier than any friends episode
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
that colleague who touches your screen
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.