SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.