*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
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My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me