Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
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MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
These are my roll models.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.