Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
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Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I don’t get marriage
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.