Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
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Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
This is not me but this is me
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe