Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
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Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.