Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”

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My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person


Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….


wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding


If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.


A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.


Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
It’s Dublin.