Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Banana is the quietest snack
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.