Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Merry Christmas
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do