Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
You Might Also Like
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.