[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
When libraries troll their patrons.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.