Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
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I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*