Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
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Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted