Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
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(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”