@noog

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

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@slimmy_shady

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

@Gorrdano

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

@capricecrane

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

@thesupergrobi

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

@slaughthie

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

@trevso_electric

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

@QuickandSisi

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

@2tickytacky

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.