Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

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Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.


(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.


Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.


Customer: Can someone else serve us?


C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.


*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here


Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.


Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.


My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.


Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one


Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”