Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
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Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
🤣
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Stop making fast and furious movies.