Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
You Might Also Like
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Lmao 🤣
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
hmm conte-me mais
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing