Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.