satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
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[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.