Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
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if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.