Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
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40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March