satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
You Might Also Like
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Always the camel, never the toe.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
wait.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.