Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
You Might Also Like
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!