Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
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Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Van Gone
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*