Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
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Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.