satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
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-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Why is this me 😫
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”