Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
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Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.