Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
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Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.