Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
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Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
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