Saturday
You Might Also Like
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
he chose this
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
This a good idea
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Look at this
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
This made me smile…
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.