#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
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I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit