Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
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Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes