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How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Breaking news:
shazam but for random noises outside
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
no one likes gloating
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[at funeral] You really had to see him live