Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
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Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.