Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
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I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?